I woke up really late today. Later than I care to share with you (4:37pm). I went to bed pretty late though, something like 2:30am. I’m usually fine, but today that was not the case.
That made me feel like such a loser this morning, to be honest (well, not this morning…
Samuel L. Jackson, do you have to yell?
I could argue that the morning was actually good. I woke up this afternoon). I feel like I’ve squandered a day I could’ve used being a winner. As invalid as that is, it feels very valid in me right now. I mean, this blog is about achieving stuff (I think) and I can’t even get up early enough to see the sun. Gosh I wish I fought against temptation the way I fight against myself.
So remember that tutoring gig I told you about? I haven’t actually started it yet, reason being I have to get a certain set of clearances submitted in order to get paid and I don’t have them all rounded up yet. I need a copy of my high school diploma and a copy of my FBI background check. There are two roadblocks in the way of me obtaining those things, but I’m not worried about it. I’ve made some pretty good progress up until this point and I’m sure that will work out soon.
Once I get that going, I’ll be able to start tutoring and getting paid. It’s not a whole lot of money but it’s more than I made the last 2 years when I was unemployed. I’m hoping to use the money that I do get from this job and invest it into cosmetology school, pending I have enough financial aid left (because I used up 5 years of financial aid in college). It cost about $18,000 for an 8 month program, at the end of which I can take a state exam and be a licensed barber and cosmetologist. I think this is a viable option for me because I can cut hair and still have time and more resources to make music like I really want to. Barbers make decent money.
At the moment though, I still feel like a loser. Yeah, I have a plan and all, but I’m not doing anything NOW. I’m just writing a blog in a basement. Logically it doesn’t make any sense for me to feel this way, so unbecoming, unworthy and oppressed. I often wonder if I am depressed again or if I never stopped being depressed. My last bout with depression led to me attempting suicide. I felt so useless then. I lost my ability to pay for school because of poor grades. I was addicted to sex and pornography. I’d lost the one thing I thought I had going for me, school. And I was very tired. Tired in my soul really. I’ve been through my share of tough times. So I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit on life because I found myself always screwing it up and making it harder for myself.
I’m kinda scared of that now. There’s added pressure, whether it’s irrational or not, because of the fact that I am older now and should know better so I feel like if I screw up, there won’t be any solace, no “it’s okay try again”, just judgement and pitiless criticism. I feel like that voice has been loudest in my life for some reason.
There are a lot of deep-rooted things that kinda make this process hard, but then there is this little piece of hope I have. I attribute it to my spirituality. Given the way I see my circumstance, there’s no reason to ever get out of bed. But I do get out of bed, no matter how late in the evening it is.