Tag Archives: faith

Post-Angst Angst, Part II

I’ve been feeling this way for a while now.

I feel like I’m missing out on quite a few things. My personal life is spiraling and I don’t know what to do about it. When I say ‘personal life’ I mean the content of my character. Got a job. Attending church. People love me. God is good. But life is harder than it looks.

Have I been so drawn away from God that I’m not as excited about God as everyone else? Am I losing all semblance of sanctification in my life? It sure does feel like it.

But God is there. No, He’s here. And He sees me. Even in this angst. Even in my inconsistency. He sees me.

I was talking to a friend earlier this week and he encouraged me with the following statement:

“…you’re not crazy, you’re just going to a new level of faith.”

This impacts me deeply, still. Even in my angst. Even in my shortcomings.

“…no matter what it takes/i’ll make sure that you’ll find, you’ll find your way/I know how hard you been trying, little one…”  – Bilal, Little One

On Tuesday, I got together with a group of mid-twenties/early thirties from my church, as we do regularly, and our pastors were there. This weeks topic of discussion was the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. The pastor highlighted a few pertinent things in this story. One thing was the fact that God is always in control, but doesn’t intervene in every situation. This enlivens Romans 8:28 in my heart.

Romans 8:28 NLT

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

God is not to blame for all the bad stuff that happens to me. A lot of that is my choices. But the verse doesn’t say that God causes every little thing to happen. It just says that He takes every little thing that happens and makes purpose out of it for the ones that love Him. Now, that’s incredible.

God sees me. God sees me and knows me. God wants to redeem every place I’ve been and every thing I’ve gone through. So sometimes, He allows me to be in angst…if that’s what it takes for me to invite Him in.

Remember teenage angst? Yea, me neither, but whatever happened in those years, God gave purpose to it in order to benefit you and me. Same goes for post-angst angst.

Good day, truly.

Post-Angst Angst

Let me just start off by saying this:

My life is my fault.

Moving right along…

Tye Tribbett (for those of you who may not know him) is a gospel artist who’s been on the scene since the early 90’s. Many, in black church circles at the VERY least,  consider him to be this generations greatest musical mind. I’m willing, personally, to say that at a few different points, his music has changed my life.

Due to tragedy in his life (which I won’t be getting into at all), he took a big blow to his ministry and things seemed to be falling apart. After some time away from putting out music, though, redemption swept into his life and he began putting out music again. He released a new album and, to the chagrin of many, it failed a lot if expectations. The new album was indeed incredible, but his previous works have been lauded by a great number of folks to be far and above this new album. Since the point of his tragedy, his music was not the same. It wasn’t the quality that diminished…it was something else.

Yesterday or so, Tye Tribbett released another album, entitled Greater Than, an ode to God superiority to everything else. Per usual, I didn’t hear the album immediately. I usually let the air clear a bit on new music, as to not cloud my own reception and experience of it. Based on what people were saying and how people were reacting about it so far, it was as stupendous a work as his pre-tragedy music. This was the reaction by and large for the first day it was released. The second day is when I decided to listen for myself.

Just before that thought, there were some comments made from some musical minds/close friends that gave me pause. One person said that they couldn’t get past the second song. For those of you who know Tye’s work, this sounds like a pure travesty. But this was someone whose musical opinion I trust. Shortly thereafter, a second opinion from a trusted source surfaced and with not much good to say about the album. It was time for me to check it out for myself.

Upon my first listen through, I found the album to be very good. But, when it comes to Tye Tribbett, “very good” isn’t saying much. Am I holding him to a higher standard of music making? Of course I am. You’d do the same if Michael Jackson were in a high school talent show…that’s how great a musical mind Tye Tribbett is. With that being said I cannot say with any form of conviction that I am impressed with Greater Than. His first album after the tragedy got the same response from me, but over time that album grew on me. Maybe such is the case for Greater Than.

Meanwhile… seemingly everyone I know and a lot of other musicians, singers and musical minds I trust think the album is amazing. For some reason, I feel very itchingly that I am missing something.

Believe it or not, everything written before this line was set up for everything written after it. Bear with me, if it suits you.

Remember about an hour ago, I prefaced this blog post with the statement that my life is my fault? Yea, its a faint memory to me too. Here comes the boom:

I feel very strongly that I don’t love God enough to enjoy this album as much as my counterparts have. I also feel very strongly that currently, my personal and spiritual life is in shambles. That’s a direct correlation in my psyche.

I arrived at this by comparing my life to those that I percieve to be leading better lives than myself, which I know I probably shouldn’t do. But I am doing it. I just want to paint as honest a picture as possible.

Well, then…is it true?

Part II coming sooner than you think.

Back On Track

Ok, back on track now.

In early January of this year, I moved to State College, PA. I found two jobs; one serving at a Cracker Barrel and the other working as an assistant cook at a daycare. I’m currently living in the attic of a friend of a friends’ house for $300/month. I found a better job as a server in a 5 star restaurant. I plan on moving out of the attic in early May. God was really gracious to me as I stepped out and took the risks to get to where I am today and He still continues to be.

I have a love interest, but she wouldn’t want me to write about her just yet. Now you know though.

Like I Was Saying

My blog, as a whole, has been very erratic. It was consistent at first, like most human ventures (who am I kidding?). Now, though, my blog has the consistency of a tub of water filled with apples. Macbooks, to be exact. This has been the way my life has gone for the most part. I thought about putting “Sadly,” in front of that last sentence, but…no. I’m not sad about my life moving and progressing the way it has.

Isn’t is funny how we treat people like they’re low-lifes when they admit things about themselves like “I’m inconsistent”, as if consistency in human development is normal? What will it take for us to embrace the fact that everyone is broken somewhere? In the Bible, there is mention of us being all parts of a body. I’ve always thought of that concept in terms of us being functional body parts that make up one person. Let’s say a hand is detached from the body it belongs to, but is still functional. It can still do the things a hand can do, although limited, because it’s probably just sitting on a desk or the floor somewhere. I doubt seriously that it will take on any Addams family-esque powers and develop its own walking system, so that’s out. If the body that the hand belongs to shuns it and makes it feel bad for not performing at its full potential, it’s doubly stupid. One, hands work better on arms. Two, the body is obviously missing a hand, so why waste time being unimpressed with what the hand can do on its own?

Show love instead. The hand and the body can help each other. Even if the hand wants to marry another hand. It’s still a hand. It still belongs to the body. Maybe, when a hand is placed in proper conditions and designated habitat, it’ll realize how it was supposed to work all this time. It’s only frame of reference is being bloody and on the ground trying to figure out how it was/what it was/who it was and more all alone.

I had no intention of talking about that. I’ll be back later though. Feels good to write again.

Angry Hobo Rant

Being homeless isn’t so bad for me.

I’ve been able to stay with family in a basement. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do long term.

I’m very tired. I made a song about it. It’s called Tired. Nice.

I feel like I’m at the end of a rope with no glove. I don’t want to believe that God would leave me here though. A question I struggle with (and have struggled with for some time now) is how much of my life is up to me and how much is up to God?

Am I thinking about wrong? There doesn’t seem to be a concrete answer. That’s hard to live through when you’re existential like me.

I’ve had a bit more time to think, lately, a bit more clearly about some things that rest deeply in my heart. The forthmost of those things is the idea that I’ve been programmed incorrectly by those people I consented to lead me in my life. Pastors. Family members. Pastors and church people, mainly.

That makes me angry. I’m still working through that. What I was taught wasn’t all bad, but a lot of ideas I was taught along the years are starting to not make sense. A big one is this: emotions don’t matter that much. I don’t know that anyone has said this explicitly, but it is very much taught. I was taught to never make emotional decisions. I then learned that some decisions ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE EMOTIONAL. I bet a billion dollars that you can’t find one person who advocates for anything, anyone, any idea who isn.t emotionally driven to do what they do.

Go ahead and look.

That idea alone has very much damaged me. I’m not irreparable. I’m just deeply disappointed. I’m still working through that. After all, who says threvnotions I have now hold any water?

I saw a quote a little earlier:

“Be humble. You could be wrong.”

That’s all for now.