Sheesh.

I’m conflicted.

I signed up for a website today. It’s one of the websites dedicated to helping folks get free from addiction. My addiction is pornography.

I figured I would give it a shot, so I signed up and started the lesson. The first lesson talked about motivation/what your motivation should be for getting free from porn should be.

The answer: God’s glory, nothing else.

Here’s the conflict:

The teaching today made the point that if you wanna get free for ANY personal reason at all, that God won’t help you get free because God wants glory. I agree that God wants and deserves glory. I also agree that I am a Christian. While being a Christian doesn’t guarantee that that person will want God to get glory, I do want God to get glory, but I also don’t want to walk around feeling guilty and downtrodden and ashamed anymore, either. According to the teaching so far, if I want not to feel those things and my focus is not on God, then God WON’T help me.

Now, maybe I’m taking it wrong. I’m pretty sure some if you will tell me I’m taking it wrong. I’m already braced for that. My issue is that I reached out to get help and now I feel like crappy even more for doing that.

I can only attribute that to my heart being black as coal because of all the filth I let into it and every thought or feeling that expresses that it feels askew to me will point back to said black heart.

I must be more immature than I realize. Either that, or too much of a coward to challenge what I was taught today.

I need to stop thinking before I lose it.