Monthly Archives: July 2013

Hear My Voice

Hear me
whimper
at the thought that I can BE something…

Listen
for the air that stands before
my blank stare and
behind my goals…

Know that what you see is a lie
and far-from-the-truth is what is
common to sight…

Reluctance tries to kill me
everyday
clawing with sloth-like precision
but I’ve since decided to move more quickly
however, my choice betrays,
infiltrating my activity and freezing
it with the coldness that is life

But indecision won’t choke me any longer.
And the fight against a second mind gets bloody this time.
Someone has to die and, essentially, that is the goal on both sides.

Understanding that, this is inherently understood: silver does no good buried in the ground except for someone who had not earned it to find it.

I am charged to brandish my worth, attack my goals and make them bleed glory.

My mother and father did well to name me conqueror, clearly their insight was from foresight.

Hear me
roar in what I am…

Listen
for the air that briskly seperates betwixt; before me and behind my goals.

Advertisements

My husband is not my soul mate.

This is great.

The Art in Life

It might seem odd that on this, our one-year anniversary, I am beginning a post with the declaration that my husband is not my soul mate. But he isn’t.WegmannWedding161

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I wouldn’t want to married to anyone else other than James, which is good, because I plan on being married to him forever, and he has to let me die first.

But I reject the entire premise of soul mates.

WegmannWedding294Do you remember those awesome Evangelical 90’s/ early 2000’s where Jesus was kind of like our boyfriend and we all kissed dating good-bye because we just knew that God was going to bring us THE ONE and then life…

View original post 1,231 more words

It’s Not A Diary, It’s A Journal

My pastor here in State College suggested that I should start keeping a journal. It’s an admonition I’ve been hearing for years from God and other people. I’ve not been turned off by the idea; consistency has been the least of my assets. Lately, though, I find myself writing more and more. I’ve been keeping a journal since early last week. Coupled with The Talents Blog, I’ve had a good outlet of creative and expressive writing.

I find that (when I finally get to it) I enjoy writing a lot. For some reason, though, my thoughts leading up to writing are often loathsome and seldom excited. I don’t know what that is for sure. At the moment, I’m choosing to attribute it to demonic attack. I don’t feel like explaining that right now, but I will render that I believe in the spiritual realm and spiritual activity, both good and evil. I had a thought a few years back that maybe I might write a book. I wonder if folks will enjoy my writing voice as well as my singing one.

What excites me most about the prospect of daily writing is that i’ll be able to chronicle my life and look back at it clearly one day, at least MORE clearly than trying to remember it by heart. Hearts are decietful, you know? Especially when I comes to memories.

I remember when I was a kid, the idea of a boy writing daily was taboo amongst elementary schoolers. You didn’t want to be that guy who kept a diary. Even if it was purely creative writing, if it wasn’t shared with classmates it was considered a diary and boys did NOT keep diaries. Journal? Yeah, right.

That’s probably robbed a lot of men of some sollice, some relief, some happy reminiscent memory. Or closure. Or healing.

I’m hoping I’ll have that and more.

Sheesh.

I’m conflicted.

I signed up for a website today. It’s one of the websites dedicated to helping folks get free from addiction. My addiction is pornography.

I figured I would give it a shot, so I signed up and started the lesson. The first lesson talked about motivation/what your motivation should be for getting free from porn should be.

The answer: God’s glory, nothing else.

Here’s the conflict:

The teaching today made the point that if you wanna get free for ANY personal reason at all, that God won’t help you get free because God wants glory. I agree that God wants and deserves glory. I also agree that I am a Christian. While being a Christian doesn’t guarantee that that person will want God to get glory, I do want God to get glory, but I also don’t want to walk around feeling guilty and downtrodden and ashamed anymore, either. According to the teaching so far, if I want not to feel those things and my focus is not on God, then God WON’T help me.

Now, maybe I’m taking it wrong. I’m pretty sure some if you will tell me I’m taking it wrong. I’m already braced for that. My issue is that I reached out to get help and now I feel like crappy even more for doing that.

I can only attribute that to my heart being black as coal because of all the filth I let into it and every thought or feeling that expresses that it feels askew to me will point back to said black heart.

I must be more immature than I realize. Either that, or too much of a coward to challenge what I was taught today.

I need to stop thinking before I lose it.

Welcome Back, Mista Wilson.

Don’t worry, I won’t waste any time talking about how I haven’t posted anything since April.

Oops.

I had a bad experience at that 5 star restaurant. So now I don’t work there anymore. I was unemployed for another month and a half after that (most of April then May). That sucked Soooo bad because at the time I was just getting some legitimate traction and I was on track to start making some serious money.

Shortly after that, I was asked to leave the attic because I hadn’t come up with the money yet. That was a really trying week. Not gonna lie, my faith was slightly shaken. I believed that I belong here, but it was that much more hard to believe, if that makes any sense. I’d let my friends in town know what was going on with me and the were very supportive in helping me look for a job and calling folks on my behalf and so on and so forth. I am sooo grateful for that.

Interesting thing happened at the end of that week though.

I was talking to my buddy Ken and he was heartbroken by the news that I might be leaving the area. He then turned to his friend Steve, who I also consider a friend, and (in so many words) asked on my behalf, if Steve would consider helping me out.

First let’s talk about Steve.

Steve is a pastor at one of the local churches. Originally from the Philadelphia area, so we were already brothers-in-arms before I met him. Steve and another pastor at that church, Stacy, were working on a project. This project involved a house. This house had an available room. Steve welcomed me into that room, free of charge.

In short, Steve is awesome and I am thankful that God used him in that way at that time. That is where I currently live and have lived since early June of this year.

After tossing my belongings in the living room, my previously unnamed lady friend Jade and I headed off to Philly to celebrate and attend her best friend’s wedding. It was a fun and refreshing time.

While I was home, I had a really groundbreaking conversation about faith in God with my cousin, Barry (Blackjack, remember?). I sensed very strongly that God had been tugging at his heart. I am honored that God used me in that conversation;I’ve been praying for my family’s salvation for years.

But wait, there’s more.

Whilst in Philly (yup…I just wrote whilst, unashamedly) I got a phone call from a hotel near where I was living calling me in for an interview! Naturally I was thrilled. I went through the follow up interview, filed the paperwork and have been working there ever since, making decent enough money to pay bills and save.

I cried when I got my first paycheck. I can pay bills. It wasn’t too long ago that I couldn’t pay for anything. On top of that I was and still am living in a house and not and apartment, let alone an attic. Life has been hard and God has been good.

The journey continues. Welcome back…….again….forreal this time……to The Talents Blog.